Existential thoughts

The week of April 20th I caught a bad bug and puked my guts out on Tuesday morning. I believe the culprit was Denny’s take out my husband brought home. Mediterranean chicken, probably sat out too long. Cooking at home from now on…

I suffered with the worst vomiting that I had in decades. Puking till nothing was there to puke, and continuing to puke, even if only air, and then violently enough to pee myself. Luckily I found some Depends that my daughter bought me as a joke after turning 50. I wore those after about the fifth time of peeing on myself and vomiting. I had a lot of laundry to do too.

In my moment of suffering from the worst headache, thinking my head would explode and knowing all I could do is put ice packs on my head, I had that existential moment. I had that deep realization that in anyone’s last moment of life, this is what it could feel like, alone, suffering, knowing all you have is yourself. It is one of those extreme existential moments of living through raw, pure pain, and forcing yourself to do something, anything to survive through it. Take a shower, walk to the kitchen, try to drink water knowing you will vomit shortly, anything to not give in to nothingness that will someday overtake us all.